Snowman - Val's Story, Chap 23

 “Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.” (Isaiah 1:18, New Living Translation)

I’ve had trouble sleeping for years. Some nights, I can curl up in bed and drift right off to sleep. Other nights, ping pong balls are bouncing all over in my head, and as much as I try to imagine them falling to the floor and rolling under a piece of furniture to never be heard from again, they don’t stop.

           A few years ago, I added the app for Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah to my phone. He gives some good sermons. So after lying in bed getting more frustrated instead of relaxing, I’ll pull up one of his messages, and I usually drift off before it’s over. Perhaps not what any pastor wants to hear, but if it helps someone in any way, that should be a win.

          The first two weeks after Val died, I hadn’t slept much, as you can imagine. Sometimes a sleeping pill worked, sometimes it did not. Nights when I turn on David Jeremiah, sometimes that helped.    

          The first of September that year, he started a sermon series on Joseph, the young man who had eleven brothers who were jealous of him and threw him into a well. He is the guy whose father gave him the multi-colored coat. He was also able to interpret dreams.

          Around that time, I fell asleep to David Jeremiah’s message on Joseph. And I had a dream.

          In my dream, I was building a snowman. The snow on the ground all around me was melting and full of dirt, but somehow my snowman was white as - well, white as snow. I hadn’t finished giving it a face when my snowman tipped over onto the dirty ground. It didn’t fall apart, though, and it stayed pure white.

          I woke up wondering what that was all about.

          Then I remembered about Joseph being able to interpret dreams. And I heard God’s voice say to me, “You can interpret this dream.”

          So, in my dream, my sweet, precious daughter was the snowman. Even though the snow was pure and white, my daughter wasn’t always that way. She had a whole lot of impurities in her words and actions. Yet, there she was, pure and white, but not completely finished.

          And then she fell over and left me. She didn’t break, and she didn’t become covered in dirt. She just left me, peacefully and wholly. Maybe even holy. Left to be with those angels all dressed in white. And with a beautiful face, one that was smiling.

Wildflowers - Val's Story, Chap 22

 Look how the wild flowers grow: they don't work or make clothes for themselves. But I tell you that not even King Solomon with all his wealth had clothes as beautiful as one of these flowers. (Luke 12:27, Good News Translation) 

On Monday, August 25, we met at the funeral home to make arrangements. We all agreed we wanted to keep things simple, short, and quick. But fitting. I don’t know. People said we did a beautiful job presenting a fitting tribute to Val. But, again, I don’t know. It was Val’s life, not any of ours.

          But sitting in the funeral home office, we had to decide what to put in the little card they have available for people to take. Jim has to bring one of those home from every visitation or funeral we go to, and it sits on the kitchen counter, bugging me for weeks before I finally throw it away.

Karri, the woman at the funeral home, offered suggestions from the standard funeral card book. Not one was even close to Val.

          Her boyfriend suggested we use the words from the Tom Petty song on the tattoo on her back. We knew it was something about wildflowers and could all picture it, but none of us could pull the words out of our brains.

          We finished our business, and I told Karri we’d figure out the lyrics and get back to her.

          That night, when I couldn’t sleep (as if I thought I would ever sleep normally again), I went on my laptop and started looking up the lyrics for all of the Tom Petty songs.

          Duh! The song is literally named “Wildflowers.”

          That week, I worked on cleaning up my computer by deleting some of the thousands of pictures I’ve stored from all my travels. In 2017, Val and I were on one of our many trips to Kenya when she got sunburned while wearing a shirt with straps in a pattern across her back. And there were those words, with flower petals, blowing along her back. Did she ever think those words would become a tribute to her life?

         Life doesn’t always make sense. We’ll never understand it. I’ll certainly never understand what happened to Val that Friday night in August, 2025. All I can do is keep muddling along and turning my worries over to God. He understands everything that we do not.  

You belong among the wildflowers

You belong somewhere close to me

Far away from your trouble and worries

You belong somewhere you feel free

(from “Wildflowers” by Tom Petty, 1994)

This picture is from her trip to Kenya in 2019 with her brother and her husband.

This one is at Diani Beach in 2022. I challenge everyone to find a picture of my back!

Break #3 and Break #4 – Minn Ren and Dorm Girls Reunion

Still celebrating the Brewers’ World Series win, but I’m gonna try to get back on track. I have two more trips to tell you about, and then I’ll return to telling you about Val, because, for some reason, you really want to hear that story.

Thursday, October 1, Hubby and I headed over to Shakopee, Minnesota. Met my friend, who lives near there, for dinner that night.

 Then got up early Friday morning and were off to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival.

Haven’t been there in many years, but it was the same as we remember. A lot of fun, some great people, and cool stuff to look at.

The following weekend, I went west again, this time only as far as Eau Claire, for my dorm girls’ reunion – some of the women I lived with in the dorm when I was in college my first two years. We stayed at a beautiful historic home this year.

We started getting together for our fortieth anniversary and each year the weekend has grown. One thing, though. Because we did get a little wild, we vowed we wouldn’t share many of the pictures on social media. Like the pictures of us dancing with the 21-year-old college boys. Us old hens can still party like it’s 1981.

Distracted Again

The summer of 1982, I was between my second and third year of college. My mom got me a job as a housekeeper for an elderly couple. They had a simple home on the lake, and there wasn’t much to do in the house. Clean the bathrooms, vacuum, cook dinner. A couple times a week, the husband would bring home a piece of meat – a beef roast or pork steak – and I’d call Mom to ask how to cook it.

Mostly, though, I was a companion to the wife, who used a walker on good days and a wheelchair on bad days. Her husband still worked, sometimes out of town for a few days straight, so she just needed someone there around the clock.

On Friday nights, the husband would drive me home for the weekend, and Sunday night Mom would drive me back out there.

When the weather was nice, I’d sit on their dock reading. And in the evening, after we ate supper and I cleaned up, we’d sit in the living room, with the lights dimmed and watch Brewers baseball. And if they weren’t on TV, we listened to Bob Uecker on the radio.

I fell in love with them all. Paul Molitor’s striking blue eyes. Rollie Fingers’ Snidely Whiplash mustache, the equally impressive mustaches that Gorman Thomas and Pete Vuckovich sported. Cecil Cooper, when he stepped up to bat and it sounded like the crowd was booing him, but they were yelling, “Coop, Coop, Coop!”

But I had a crush on Robin Yount. He was drafted by the Brewers when he was only 18-years-old and played his entire with Milwaukee. He stacked up a long list of awards and accolades during his twenty-year career, but no matter how good a player he was, I just thought he was adorable.

Then there was that game against the Twins on July 20, 1982. I hunted all over the internet to find a video of the play which made Robin a hero in my eyes, but no luck.

In the bottom of the fifth inning Twins player Kent Hrbek barreled into second base, sliding hard and high into Jim Gantner. Gantner was sent sprawling and had to leave the game with a deep thigh bruise.

Brewers’ manager Harvey Kuenn was furious about the slide and immediately charged the field to come to his second baseman’s defense. He later said that the Twins player was a “no good SOB for taking a cheap shot.”  

The Brewers would get their revenge in the sixth. With Paul Molitor on second and Robin Yount on first, Cecil Cooper hit a double play ball to second baseman Juan Castino. Castino flipped to shortstop Lenny Faedo for the force and Yount went far outside of the baseline to take out Faedo and knocked him on the temple with his forearm. (Taken from https://brewers1982.com/07/20/brewers-twins-brawl/)

Well, that started an all-out brawl between the two teams, with two players - one from each team - getting ejected after throwing punches.

But to my innocent little eyes, Robn was the hero of the whole thing – defending his players and his team, telling the world not to mess with them, doing whatever it would take.

Then there he was, in Bob Uecker’s jacket, last Friday night, throwing out the first pitch of the World Series in Milwaukee.

There has been so much in my life over the past 44 years. I know I’m not alone; haven’t we all been too busy. And it doesn’t help, with all the TV channels now “streaming” somewhere at a cost, that I don’t remember the last time I watched a Brewers game.

The last game I went to was nine years ago.

We know how their 1982 run at the World Series ended. And we wake up this morning, not knowing yet how this one will end. 

Too Big for this World - Val's Story, Chap 21

I first posted this story in September of last year, but I had to share it again because it is chapter 21 and if you are following along, I didn't want to mess you up.  

Dear God

If I die tomorrow

Or a thousand tomorrows from now,

Will it matter?

Will I be changed

Or have changed the world?

Will another moment from eternity of existence

Cause the moon to fall

The oceans to weep

The trees to walk?

But if an extra heartbeat

Brings one smile to a teary eye

If all my heartbeats

Can make another soul sing

Another life less dull

Then my entire being has purpose

And eternity becomes an instant of joy.

By Pat Loehmer (1959-1999), written in 1977

 

My kids both loved their Aunt Patti, with all their precious, still-growing hearts. My baby girl was only three when Pat was diagnosed with cancer and nine when she died. Val never knew my sister when she wasn't fighting that insidious monster roaming her body.

And I never realized how much they were alike.

People think I'm bullheaded and independent, but that was nothing compared to my sister. When she started something, she would dig in her heels and get it done, never asking for help and never backing down. My son, Nick, is like that, too. Me? Not so much, if I start something and it causes me frustration, I'm more than willing to walk away and binge-watch episodes of "Friends".

          Val was just as independent and could dig in her heels just as deeply if she was working on something from her heart. And she was all heart. And so was her Aunt Patti. Both taken way too young - Pat at 39 and Val at 35. Sometimes, I think they were both too big for this world, too bold, too strong.

          And looking back, days after Val had left us, I think they both knew they weren't born to grow old on this planet; God had a plan that none of us left behind will ever understand. But somehow, deep inside, maybe Val and Pat understood.

(By the way, I was 37 when I lost my sister; Nick was 39 when he lost his. Sad, huh?)

Here's the really sad part. Only three of us are left from this picture at our wedding in 1997 - me, Nick and Hubby. Between 1999 and 2026, I lost Mom, both my sisters, and my beautiful daughter. 

Break #2 - Michigan's UP

 

September 21, Hannah, Hubby, and I took off for our annual trek to Michigan’s UP and specifically to the Jampot Bakery, aka the Monks. 

While Poppa was in line waiting to buy goodies, Hannah and I checked out Jacob’s Falls. She was not impressed.

Then we waitied around some more, even though there will be nothing in the haul for the pooch. 

Finally got to get up close to Lake Superior. So beautiful. 

My favorite spot in the Keweenaw Peninsula is Esrey Park. 

Something about it has always felt magical to me. 

Even if I don’t look so excited in this picture with Hubby. 

Not sure if you can read Hubby’s shirt, but he got it a year ago, after tripping on a tree root in the eastern UP. Don’t want a new shirt that reads, “I came, I saw, I fell down some rock stairs.” 

Last stop was atop Brockway Mountain for the breathtaking views.  

We don’t take the steep drive up here every year. 

But when we do, it has always been worth it. 

Taking a Break

           I thought it was time to take an emotional break from telling the story of my daughter and me. I’ve had a crazy schedule the last couple of months; how I had time to continue posting here as much as I did is a mystery to me.

          Between September 16 and October 11, I went out of town four times, for a total of nine nights. Why did I do that? What was I thinking? Who knows. But I did have a good time. Oh, and two of those trips were even out of state.

          Okay, so here is trip #1.

          From the 16^th through the 20^th of September, I returned to one of my favorite places in Wisconsin. The Green Lake Christian Conference Center, where I attended a Writing Retreat with nine other Christian women.

          I found contentment in the familiar surroundings, even if we stayed in one of the huge houses they have for rent, instead of the hotel where I’ve had a room before.

          It was great having my own spacious room and private bathroom.

          I didn’t get as much writing done as I had hoped, but it revitalized me to walk along the lake and explore the grounds.

          The weather was dreary most of the days I was there.

          But nothing beats sunrise over a lake. These are a quarter of the pictures I took that morning.

          But who can look at a sunrise and not believe that God painted it just for us.

Jesus Always Wins - Val's Story, Chap 20

God rescued us from the power of darkness and brought us safe into the kingdom of His dear Son. (Colossians 1:13, Good News Translation)

 How many times over the years had I lain awake in bed at night, wondering where Val was, when she’d be home, how she’d get home? How many times in recent years would I check her location on Google Maps before going to sleep and again at 2 a.m. only to find she was still at the bar? How many times did I wait for the phone to ring or the doorbell to ring?

          The weekend before she took her life, she had been invited to a baby shower out of town with my husband and me. Instead of coming with us, though, she planned to go camping with her boyfriend. But then rain popped up in the forecast, so they stayed home and went to the bar instead. On the way home, Val got stopped for her third OWI.

          Instead of it being a wake-up call, the drunk driving ticket only reinforced her need to drink, and she spiraled out of control. When I talked to Dr. Katie a few weeks later, she told me that Val’s blood alcohol that night had been 0.2. The legal limit is 0.08, and a level of 0.3 to 0.4 is lethal in most people. 

          That Friday night, the demon in her head, which was pushing her to drink and telling her that her life might as well be over, told her to pick up the gun and pull the trigger. He thought that he had won, that he could take her away with him.

          But after an agonizing Saturday of making phone calls, I was in the shower the next morning when God came to me and said, “NO!”

          He clearly told me that the devil had not won, that in that final instant, Jesus slayed those demons that had been wearing her down and announced to Satan that he was done. And Jesus took her gently in His arms and carried her to heaven.

          Why He couldn’t have just carried her back to me, I do not know.

          The only thing I do know is that my baby girl had a heart for caring for others, immeasurable love, a spirit which was a little wild, and a smile more beautiful than sunrise over Lake Superior. I know that the devil was after her for half of her life because he knew her amazing qualities, and that scared him, so he kept assaulting her. But in the end, Satan never wins.  

          This is how I have faced each new day moving forward: Satan never wins. Jesus always does, even if it’s not in our time or in our way.

          And over the following weeks and months, I would need to keep returning to that resolve.

August 22, 2025, 11:55 pm - Val's Story, Chap 19

“Was it a drunk driving accident?” was the first question I asked the two officers standing in my yard. With Val’s years of drinking and the two OWIs she’d gotten in the past, a tiny part of my brain had expected the police to show up one night with that news.

          “We can’t tell you what happened, but we know it wasn’t a car accident,” the uniformed man answered.

          “Did she drink herself to death?” That was always the second possibility I thought of, especially after spending that week with her in Africa, where the amount of alcohol she drank daily would have killed most people.

          “I don’t know, but here is the number for the officer who is working on her case.” He handed me a slip of paper, one that had been ripped from one of those small spiral notebooks cops always write in on TV shows.

          “Okay.” What else could I say at that moment?

          “If there’s anything we can do for you, please call our department.” I think he gave me his business card, but I don’t remember seeing it after that. I only remember that slip of paper with that phone number on it.

 ~~~

 “Unfortunately, it looks like she killed herself,” was what the officer on the phone told me once I told him who I was, who my daughter was. Probably not exactly what he said, but it was the last thing I expected.

          Jim and I had crawled into our queen-size bed with the cat and the dog after the county deputies left the house that Friday night. With trembling hands and waves of nausea, I had called the number on the slip of paper.

          “How?” I asked next.

          “She shot herself with a small-caliber handgun.” Again, I can’t recall how he phrased it, but that’s what I heard, that’s what my beautiful, crazy, alcoholic daughter had done.

          He gave me the number to the coroner’s office so I could get more details.        

          Dr. Katie took my call and was the sweetest stranger I talked to during the ensuing three-month ordeal of finalizing her death certificate. I asked her for every detail, telling her I worked in the medical field, I knew anatomy, and had seen blood and guts. I can’t share the specifics that she told us.

She did ask if Val was an organ donor. I looked over at my husband, my cell phone on speaker. He shrugged and nodded at the same time.

          “I’m sure she was. That’s the kind of person she was.”

          “Good. Then I’ll ask that team to call you. As you probably know from working in the medical field, they can only harvest a few of her organs at this point, but they still use her skin, bones, and all kinds of tissue.” Yes, Dr. Katie told me what those tissues were, and I have the list in the big envelope that the place sent me. “I’ll have them call you yet tonight if that’s okay.”

          It was after one a.m. by then. “We’re not going anywhere, and we won’t be going back to sleep.”

          Nearly an hour later, the organ and tissue procurement office called. He asked all the questions that are asked before a routine blood donation, and many, many more. I was on the phone with him until three a.m. He said that everything they harvested from Val’s body could affect the lives of up to one hundred people. And that they would do it with the utmost compassion.

          I believed him, but I also believed that as precious as my daughter’s body was, it was now only her body, a shell. Her spirit and soul had moved on. And as much as I wanted to believe that she had moved on to heaven, my heart ached for confirmation. And for peace. 

The Green Plastic Deck Chair - Val's Story, Chap 18

The lights in the yard woke me up first. I looked at the clock – 11:53 pm.

          I was rolling out of bed when I heard the Ring doorbell. When we installed the new doorbells months before, Jim had picked the sound of a choo-choo train. He thought it was so cute, and I didn’t care at the time. 

          I looked out the bedroom window and saw two county sheriff’s cars in our driveway, their lights flashing. My stomach immediately tied itself in a knot.

          I grabbed my bathrobe and headed to the living room, closing the door behind me so the dog wouldn’t get out. Jim had just gotten out of his recliner, where he usually slept because of his ongoing shoulder pain. I remember so many details, but I don’t remember what we said to each other. I’m pretty sure we didn’t say anything.

          One of us unlocked the front door, and I was the first one out.

          Two officers stood there, one from each car: a man and a woman.

          “Ma’am, I’m Officer Somebody-or-other,” the man introduced himself, or maybe he didn’t. I didn’t want or need the formalities.

          “Are you Christine Kincaid?” he asked.

          “Yes.”

          “Your daughter is Valerie Confer?”

          I knew this had to be about Val, my problem child, but I answered with a meek “yes” again.

          “Why don’t you have a seat?” He pointed to the deck chair that was against the house under the picture window.

          We’d never had a chair there before. But since early summer, when my brother’s dementia forced us to put him in assisted living, we’d been cleaning at his place. When we got home from working at his nasty, smelly house, I’d leave the bag of cleaning supplies on that chair outside, tucking my work boots under it. When Nick decided he wanted to buy his uncle’s house, I let him worry about cleaning. I put away the bag and my boots, but the chair remained.

          I obeyed the officer and sat in that green plastic chair, Jim standing next to me, his hand on my shoulder.

          “I am so sorry to inform you that your daughter passed away earlier this evening.” I do remember those exact words.

          The next day, still in shock, Jim and I had a conversation about that chair, wondering why it had been there and where the officer would have directed me if there hadn’t been anything to sit on. Did they teach them to always try to get the mom to sit down before giving her the worst news of her life?

I made Hubby move that deck chair away from the front of the house a few days later. I only got around to spray painting it blue a few weeks ago. 
Oh, but I made him change the doorbell ring tune that first afternoon. Every time someone came to the front door, and I heard the choo-choo train, I had a trauma attack. 

Angels and Demons - Val's Story, Chap 17

Shortly after the puppies were settled in their new homes, Val met a nice young man. He had a steady job with benefits, was a hard worker, and had the patience of a saint. He also had a black cocker spaniel poodle mix. Before long, three energetic black dogs had taken over her house and large yard.

          By the following spring, her boyfriend bought a large, beautiful travel trailer, and sometime after that, he started moving in with her. She had gotten a new job the previous fall, working from home four days a week and in the office one day. The benefits were great. So many things seemed to be going well for my angel, but those demons were unrelenting.

          On the Fourth of July weekend, they went camping along Lake Superior, and she invited Jim and me to join them for one day. In addition to their three dogs, they had brought her boyfriend’s teenage niece.

          The weather was beautiful, comfortably warm with the sun shining off the Great Lake, waves lapping at the beach. After a walk along the shore with all the dogs, including the Corgi we had adopted in Februray, we returned to their campsite. Jim and I took seats in the camp chairs, and Val offered us a beverage. We had brought our own – bottles of water and orange juice. Val, naturally, was drinking a mixed drink.

          I asked if she had any extra food, as we hadn’t eaten lunch. She invited me into the camper and started pulling containers out of the refrigerator.

          “Oh, I gotta show you something,” she said, reaching into the area his niece had claimed for her stuff. “We went to a craft show yesterday and look what she bought.” She held up a cross necklace and a coin purse that had “Jesus” embroidered on it.

          “Nice,” I answered with a smile. “Maybe she’ll rub off on you.”

          Val sighed, not with the disgust she often showed when I brought up my faith, but more with disappointment in herself.

          “All the things I’ve done in my life? God will never forgive me anyway.”

          Wow! I had not expected that. I’d been waiting years for the door to open, for a chance to remind her what Jesus did for anyone who turned their life over to Him and accepted Him as their Savior. And for her not to throw my beliefs back in my face.

          “Oh, Val,” I knew I was treading on thin ice and didn’t want to blow. “Jesus died on the cross for all our sins. There is no sin too great that you can’t be forgiven. You only have to ask God for forgiveness.”

          She turned back to the food she was rearranging on the camper’s small countertop.

          “I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head. “There’s a lot.”

          I didn’t know what to say after that. I only prayed that she let Jesus into her heart and accepted His forgiveness.

Puppies! - Val's Story, Chap 16

And so, Val fell down the hole again.

          It wasn’t just the death of her youngest dog; it’s never just one thing. She was frustrated with her job, feeling it was going nowhere. She wasn’t seeing eye-to-eye with her AA sponsor, so she had already started skipping meetings. Since she had been sober three months, once she got her three-month coin, she thought it was cause for celebration. Even after those three months of meetings, the only way she knew to celebrate was to open a bottle.

I don’t remember much about Val’s life after that for the next year. I had injured my back on the first of April, four weeks before Bleu died, and I had a hard time getting around for many months after that.

          I texted Val regularly and called at least once a week. She swore she had her drinking under control, that she could handle it, and that there was nothing wrong with having too much to drink on the weekends.

          One weekend in July, she booked an Airbnb with Buddy and some friends. The friends bailed on her, but she went anyway. At the last minute, she invited me to join her. I had a funeral to go to Saturday morning, but promised I’d drive the two hours to the cabin as soon as I could. She asked me to meet at a bar and grill a few miles from the rental, and I thought, “Great, here we go, my daughter will be drunk all weekend.”      

          When I got there, we decided to eat lunch on the deck outside the bar, and to my surprise, she ordered a soda with her meal. Maybe, just maybe, I thought, she can handle her drinking.

          We had a nice time together, hiking through different parks with Buddy, watching movies that night, and laughing like we used to.

          But that darn hole was still there.

~~~

She got a part-time job bartending at a different bar, this one much closer to her house. Working from home during the day was still hard on her, having no one to talk to in person.

          She’d always had roommates to help her with the bills. Even when she was married, it seemed like a friend was crashing with them, paying what rent they could. Unfortunately, many of these roommates were unsavory. Not only did they not all pay rent, but they didn’t help with chores around the house, and some of them would supply her with street drugs, as if the alcohol wasn’t enough for her.

          And the boyfriends. None were as bad as the one she kicked out of her house during our last trip to Africa. But still, this Momma worried nonstop about her choices.

          Easter morning, 2024, my phone rang earlier than expected.

          “Guess what?” Val’s voice met my ear.

          “You’re going to Easter services at church this morning?” A mom could continue to hope.

          “You’re so funny, Mom. No, I have puppies!”

          Well, I guess that’s better than announcing she had herpes.

          It was a convoluted story, which to this day, I’m not sure I got straight. But somehow, she ended up with three ten-week-old mixed-breed puppies that no one else could take. Of course, I dressed and drove right down to her house.

They were in poor health, and she was never quite sure what had happened to them, but she suspected they had gotten into some chemicals at their original owner’s house. They were so thin and weak that they needed help eating. We hand-fed the largest one, the only boy, and used a syringe to get nourishment into the two small girls.

Val committed to getting them all healthy, getting up several times a night to feed them and cleaning up their messes. Within a few days, they were all eating on their own and trotting around in the backyard.

          Val decided to keep the boy, whom she named Max. But she had to find homes for the two girls. We had put down Dino, our faithful mutt, in January the previous year, and though I hadn’t wanted another dog, I couldn’t turn away these pups.

Luckily, the person who took the smallest pup also decided he wanted the other girl. I wasn’t heartbroken; my husband and I really didn't need another dog, and months later she had grown larger than her brother Max. He turned out to be a handsome boy who looked like a black Golden Retriever.

I thought he’d also be a much-needed distraction for Val. She took good care of him and kept loving on her older dog, Buddy, but nothing released her from the demons that held her in that hole.